Q: I need some help, may be just a kind word from somebody who could understand what I'm going through. At this time I sometimes question my sanity, and it certainly looks that way to others. I can't talk to anybody without be taken to mental hospital after it. In December 2004 I've undergone shocking spontaneous awakening. One late evening my body on its own assumed lotus position, something exploded in my head and spread like unearthly Peace. I realized I'm Buddha without knowing anything about Buddhism. Boy, next day I ran to the library for certain books. But it was Ekhart Tolle's teachings that helped me understand what has happened. Life from misery became a fairy tale with wonderful changes. Some experiences still troubled me,so you can't imagine what excitement for me was to find your book.I went through the journey experientially several times, and my life felt more and more like heaven. I started the first time 2 years ago.I was so inspired, I didn't think much. It's kind of nice. But then there was an abrupt end to my short lasting heaven existence.Without any spiritual maturity I dared to state an intention to dissmantle the entire imprinting before my last journey. Soon enough I got deadly pesticide poisoning and in a blink of an eye from a super healthy person became gravely ill.It happened on July 5 (like a joke - Got Independence? I mean imprinting) That event brought me to face Death. The experiences I had I won't dare to tell anyone except you.It throw me back into unconsciousness almost completely. I could hardly feel the Presence that occupied my whole essence before. I struggled with family , with doctors and others with their "help".But what is now most horrifying is the intensity of emotions. Like I've never did any inner work. It's so horrifying, all this time I'm out of work. Anguish, torments are unreal.And this torture lasts and lasts. It was so intolerable that my family forced me to take some medication. Now after 3 weeks I tried to get rid of it, but couldn't. It was dreadful. Many times I want to die which will end my sufferings. You told we are not given more than we can handle. But I seriously doubt if I am able to stand this ultimate test I asked for myself.I read all the time your writing about Kiss of Grace. It supports me,comforts me, makes me sit with my intolerable emotions and feel them fully again and again. It works but then a trifle can easy trigger a hurricane again.I really feel like Irina has died, there is no adult in sight and I'm a little girl scared to death to live. The imprinting turned out to be deadly: sickness, abandonment, unreal fear-panic to name a few.Thank you dear Michael just for listening to me. I know you understand my predicament. I know also that I'm the only one who can help me. I gave up all treatments, all "help" and surrendered to the Being, who can determine the outcome. I feel that some encouragement from you can uplift my Spirit to continue inner work no matter what.
A: In our naivety we are able to become irresponsible. Your situation is the consequence of this single sentence from your email: "Without any spiritual maturity I dared to state an intention to dismantle the entire imprinting before my last journey." Rather ask for gentleness, and to be able to receive what is being given, rather than to get carried away with trying to get what you think you want.
Reshape your intent accordingly - and include the word "gentleness" in there somewhere. Who stated it is your task to clear all your imprinting in one go. This is not about destination. This is not even about "perfection" - it is about full-participation. When we take one aware heartfelt step at a time, all of creation takes ten for us. Stop behaving as if you are alone in this, and therefore that you can decide what should and should not be integrated. When we behave as if we are alone in this experience - as if we can decide what is necessary - in complete disregard of all who enter and exit our environment - then we are behaving like a cancer cell in the body of all there is.
Each day we are each given enough to digest - asking for a whole lifetime of meals in one sitting is foolish. Realign your intent from "wanting and getting" to "giving and receiving".
You have glimpsed The kingdom. Remember that the resonance of entry in The Kingdom is "responsibility". Not responsibility for everything and everyone - like dictators assume they are - but rather responsibility for the felt-aspect of each encounter within the life flowing through your experience. Meet life exactly where it meets you - rather than leapfrogging into a "place" you "think" you are supposed to be in.
Everyone is already in The Kingdom - no one ever left - and realizing this is inevitable. This life experience is what it takes to enter consciously and responsibly into the realization. We require acquiring this experiential resonance of responsibility so we do not mess with those who already gather joyfully in The Garden. If we gain entry by forcing ourselves to integrate everything immediately - then we impose this attitude upon those who are already at peace within their experience.
Apparently, they don't allow such adult behavior in The Garden of God's children. Saint Peter stands at the gate and asks each of us a question. If we answer as an adult- we get sent to the back office for deprogramming until we are able to giggle again. If we giggle at the question, we are given an all access pass.
Returning to The kingdom is wonderful - to be sure. However, to miss the mysterious and magical journey through the a-maze-ment of our approach - because we are in a hurry to "get somewhere" - is to miss the point and pleasure of the play. We are already here - "Be still and know that I am odd" - an this too is wonderful.